Petal Gear
by Rinsayara
Summary: Solid Snake takes on his greatest challenge ever, with a bit of help...
1. Chapter 1

Petal Gear

**Chapter 1: A New Dawn**

Snake tied his hair back with his premium high-quality 100% cow-pleather bandana. The sun was unrelenting today, and due to that combined with his own nervousness, he was drenched in sweat. Like, literally gallons, it was fucking disgusting. He smelled like shit too. But that is all beside the point. The panted with anticipation, his hands quivering in an attempt to reunite the dainty petunia with the magnificent, wholesome father that it called the Earth.

*bring bring*

Snake's Codec went off at the worst possible time, alarming him and sending the petunia tumbling towards the earth, which was now like an alcoholic deadbeat father that made a lot of poor life choices early on and paid for them later in life..

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK YOU OTACON" Snake ejaculated into his Codec.

"Snake, I'm sorry that I'm so fit, fuckable, and fabulous, but what's wrong this time?" Otacon inquired.

"If we make it through this…I'll tell you…"

"Snake, ever since you joined that gardening club with Samus and Luigi you've been so distant. No longer can I confide in you who my personal waifus are like I used too. No longer can I watch hardcore hairy midget hentai in the living room without you changing the channel. NO LONGER can I make Super Saiyan noises on the toilet without some kind of snide remark. No longer can I be physically attracted to underage feline children without being criticized. Snake, gardening has changed. We have changed. War has changed. War never changes. Spare change. Pocket change. Change in timezones. Time. Our greatest enemy is the times. Monologue about an abstract thought concept relating to every individual. Boxes."

"I'm sorry Otacon, it's just when you INTERUPT me, it really grinds my gears."

Gears.

_Gears._

_Metal Gears._

Snake didn't realize what he had said until it was too late. Upon remembering his dark and troubled past, a half-hour long cutscene triggered where he had a severe case of PTSD, thought about his father, and had a few seizures.


	2. Chapter 2

**Petal Gear**

**Chapter 2: Awakening**

During the aforementioned cutscene, the player, intentionally left ambiguous, paused the game for a bathroom break. Left in his world all alone, Snake's fragile and deteriorating state of mind is left to ponder itself. As the player urinates, Snake is left in a coma-like state in his garden. Little did Snake know, this state of suspended animation would prove vital to his future gardening endeavors. Let us observe his dreams, or shall we say, epiphanies.

Snake could hear a tiny voice in the back of his head that sounded like a little bitch so it was probably Otacon.

"Snake…Snake…Oh god, wake up…I want your Solid Snake…"

Solid Snake…he hadn't heard the full name since his traumatic mission on Shadow Moses Island. The memories arose within him as he slipped out of consciousness…

…Before being reawakened to something even more terrifying.

"We meet again, BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHER."

Snake couldn't believe his eyes, and that's not because he was now a geriatric whose senses are probably god-awful. It was because his whiny British brother who has a really weird thing for shirtless fistfights was standing before him. It was Liquid.

"Liquid…I thought you died at Shadow Moses…"

"You didn't think you could kill your own BROOOOOTHER, did you?!" Liquid said while ripping off his shirt.

"But how…"

Liquid ripped off his skin as well. "I know people…do you believe in God, Snake?"

"You mean…Hideo Kojima?!"

"Exactly! You should know best that Mr. Kojima always has an asspull trick up his sleeve for moments like these!"

Suddenly, the face of Hideo Kojima came down and lit up the darkness that surrounded the two brothers in its holy glow.

"Mr. Kojima…how?" Snake jerked physically.

"Simple, my child. I reverse-reverse engineered the counter-FoxDie-FoxAlive virus into a double-double-triple-quintuple agent who would infect the nucleotides of the receptors in the 12th X-chromosome of the target cells of the victim's brain, the victim being actually two people. The first is a member of a multi-centurial conspiracy group calling themselves the La-Le-Lu-Le-Lo, thought that's really just a double-bypass censor for those with nanomachines to stop them from uttering their real name, the Alpha-Secret-Service-Hammer-Attack-Troop, or A.S.S.H.A.T. The other is whatever poor fool is reading this right now."

"That's right!" Liquid interjected. "And we've come here to warn you, Snake."

"Warn me…about what?"

"We have a long-lost brother. Gaseous Snake."

"Gaseous Snake?! What the hell kind of uncreative twat came up with that name?!"

"It doesn't matter. What matters is that he's created a new kind of bipedal war machine. A new Metal Gear."

"For the love of Kojima, why should I care?! I've taken out like, two of those before. It shouldn't be a problem."

"But this one's different. This one…is a Petal Gear. It employs a new type of herbicide that can kill any plant. It's painted with a hideous floral design and it is an abomination that can't be allowed to roam free."

"What? How the hell do you expect me to stop this all-powerful deathmachine?!"

"You're going to need to employ the services of some professional gardeners. You know the ones."

"Samus and Luigi…"

"Great job deducing that, Sherlocke. LIQUID OUT, PEACE YO" and then Liquid flew off into the distance on his hellhounds Tinkles and Gary.

When Snake woke up, he knew he was going to seek out those chosen two.


End file.
